Helping parents help their children deal with worries and anxiety
Donna Murphy
If only . . .
My son, Kelly, was one of the one-in-10 children in Canada who are born hard-wired for anxiety.1 From the moment he was born, there was something about Kelly that was different. His dad and I couldn’t really put our finger on the difference, but it was there. He had explosive moments, even as a very young child, that were of an intensity I never saw in other children. As one of my very dear friends once said: the volume was just way too loud.
What we know is that 60,000 children in BC have a diagnosable anxiety disorder.2 We also know that anxiety, left untreated in young children, is an indicator for depression and suicide in teens.3 Suicide remains the second leading cause of death of our young people in Canada;4 this is something we cannot ignore.
Unfortunately for my family, Kelly was one of those children who went on to develop depression as a teen. After a valiant struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression, when he was in grade 12, at just 18, Kelly died by suicide.
A common helping ‘language’ for home and school
From September 2005 until June 2008, I had the privilege of bringing the tools from the FRIENDS program (see sidebar) to parents in communities throughout BC. The FRIENDS Parent Training program educates parents on the basics of cognitive-behavioural therapy, and gives them the same skills and tools that their children are learning in school through the FRIENDS For Life and FRIENDS For Youth programs. These school-based programs help young people cope with and manage anxiety and depression.
With funding from the Ministry of Children & Family Development, The FORCE Society for Kids’ Mental Health6 formed partnerships with individual school districts, mental health teams and school parent advisory councils (PACs) to host FRIENDS parent trainings. Many school districts went out of their way to be welcoming and enthusiastic about informing parents. In just three years, FRIENDS parent training was delivered to parents in 45 school districts in BC. To ensure fair geographical representation, three school districts were chosen in each of the five MCFD regions5 in the province. In remote areas, where school districts are spread over a large area, this often involved more than one community.
During the 2007/2008 school year, The FORCE partnered with the First Nations School Association7 to bring the FRIENDS parent training to four First Nation communities in BC. My life as a parent trainer was particularly enriched by those experiences. They gave me new insights into, and understanding of, Aboriginal people, their history and their culture. I had the privilege of listening to the stories of a First Nation elder who told me about her childhood growing up in Bella Bella. I shared in a spaghetti dinner cooked by the senior students in a First Nation school in the Stein Valley. These are experiences I’ll always remember.
Many times parents said that the program helped them recognize their own anxiety. Parents also said that they were able to start to use these skills the next day and that they saw a change in how they communicated with their children. Imagine—adults using the same language to help children, both at school and at home!
Over and over again parents were grateful to learn that this program is offered in our schools, so they could learn how to help their children deal with anxiety. Attendance at workshops grew as parents told each other about this valuable learning opportunity.
A potential gift for a staggering number of children and families
I have taught children in the school system for many years. In reflecting back, I feel strongly that as educators and parents the greatest gift we can give children is a love of learning. It’s hard to enjoy learning, however, if you spend your school days worrying.
The FRIENDS For Life and FRIENDS For Youth programs help children learn to manage their worries, so their minds can be more open to learning. And the FRIENDS Parent Training program helps parents help their kids to worry less. With 60,000 children in BC experiencing anxiety, the number of children and families who could benefit from these programs is staggering.
I’ll never know what the outcome may have been for my family if we’d had some of this training when Kelly was growing up. What I do know is that I desperately looked for help and the skills to be able to help him, and found nothing. I also know that if I’d had the skills offered in the FRIENDS Parent Training program, our family life would have been different. I would have been able to recognize anxiety in Kelly at an early age and would have had tools to help him recognize these feelings in himself. I’d have learned how to help him relax and plan how to conquer his fears. But, remember, we didn’t talk about children’s mental health in 1987—the teen years were considered ‘early’ intervention at that time.
How lucky children and parents are today that the Ministry of Children and Family Development sees the value in early intervention at age nine and supports the FRIENDS Parent Training program. Today’s parents will not have to struggle to find information to help their children, as I did. I firmly believe that, through the parent training, we can prevent families from losing their children. Families with the FRIENDS knowledge have a strength base. This will help the parents to access further help and to support their children through a difficult time.
For more information about the FRIENDS Parent Training program, visit www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/mental_health/friends.htm or e-mail FRIENDS.Parent.Education@gmail.com.
Footnotes
1.   Kagan, J. & Snidman, N. (1999). Early childhood predictors of adult anxiety disorders. Biological Psychiatry, 46(11), 1536-1541.
2.   Children’s Mental Health Policy Research Program, Department of Psychiatry, University of British Columbia. (2004). Preventing and treating anxiety disorders in children and youth (research summary). www.childhealthpolicy.sfu.ca/research_reports_08/rr_pdf/RR-5-04-summary.pdf.
3.   Sareen, J., Cox., B.J., Afifi, T.O. et al. (2005). Anxiety disorders and risk for suicidal ideation and suicide attempts: A population-based longitudinal study of adults. Archives of General Psychiatry, 62(11), 1249-1257.
4.   Statistics Canada. (2003). The people: Major causes of death. From The Canada e-Book. www43.statcan.ca/02/02b/02b_003_e.htm.
5.   The five Ministry for Children and Family Development regions are: North, Interior, Vancouver Island, Vancouver Coastal and Fraser.
6.   The FORCE Society for Kids’ Mental Health: www.bckidsmentalhealth.org.
7.   First Nations School Association: www.fnsa.ca.
Donna is a co-founder of The FORCE Society for Kids’ Mental Health and past coordinator of its FRIENDS Parent Training program. After Donna lost her son Kelly to suicide, she chose to work for improved information and services for children and their families. Donna is no longer with the FORCE and teaches at Fraser Health’s Adolescent Day Treatment Program in Surrey
*reprinted from Visions: BC's Mental Health and Addictions Journal, 2009, Vol. 5 No. 2, p.25-26
