This is a chapter of the workbook Gone too Soon: Navigating grief and loss as a result of substance use.
Self-care can be understood as practices, routines, and boundaries that we do to limit stress, meet our own needs, and nurture our physical and mental health. Your self-care needs will change day by day and month by month, and your ability to meet your needs may also change.
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Early days
You may feel, besides huge grief, a sense of being in a dream, being disconnected from the rest of the world—nothing seems very concrete or grounded. You have had a major shock to your system. Self-care includes letting yourself sit and do nothing at all as long as you are able.
Be aware of the energy grief and shock take. You may be tired most of the time at first. Rest. Drink lots of fluids, eat light comforting nutritious meals, and sleep. Sleep is restorative and is a good coping mechanism. Sleep when you need/want to, not when you "should."
Ask your family to treat you gently. Tell them that you will survive this, that life won't be the same, but you will again find meaning and joy, even if it seems impossible now. If possible have one or two people who can take care of you (answering the phone, receiving guests, preparing meals, household chores, child care).
Be prepared for the roller coaster of emotions. Don't guilt yourself when you are feeling alright or even having a laugh. It is normal and good for you. You may feel a sense of relief that you no longer have to wait for the worst possible news. It has already come.
Find a counsellor as soon as possible. This will allow you a safe space to grieve and rage, while also learning healthy coping strategies. See page 17 for more information on how to find counselling, including financially accessible options.
Be aware of the energy it takes to have a lot of visitors. Be honest when you need visitors to depart—you are allowed to set the boundaries you need. You might say something like, "Thank you but I just need some time alone today." People will understand.
Keep a journal, or just a pad of paper and a pen nearby. Write it all down. Keep in mind, no one else has to read your writings. It is for you alone.
Have a corner of your living space for photos, flowers, and important objects (a key ring, a piece of jewelry, anything your loved one had that is meaningful to you).
Prepare yourself for possible well-meaning but hurtful comments from friends and family. Many people don't know how to talk about loss and death and may say exactly the wrong thing. Remembering their good intent may help take some of the sting out of what they've just said.
If possible, don't return to work until you feel you are ready to meet the world again. If you must return, try to have a chat with your employer, supervisor, and/or colleagues about your present capacity. Your mind may not be fully present at your work.
Spirituality and meditation
If you have a spiritual or religious practice, try to take solace through that practice, whether that is at home, in nature, or at church, temple, mosque, or other place of worship. This loss is about heart and spirit.
Grounding skills
Very strong emotions can feel overwhelming, like you're out of control and can’t trust your body. Grounding skills help us to calm down and come back into our bodies. Different strategies will work for different people at different times. Having a list of possible activities can help prepare you and lessen the fear and anxiety associated with extreme emotions. Here are some grounding skills that might help:
5-4-3-2-1
This exercise helps you reconnect with your senses and come back into your body. First, look around and notice five things you see (this booklet, a lamp, a mug of tea, etc.), then notice five things you hear (sounds of traffic, people in the next room talking, etc.), and then notice five things you can feel (the chair beneath your legs, this booklet in your hand, the blanket on your lap, etc.). Then do the same exercise, counting down four of each, then three of each, two, and one.
Go for a walk, do some gentle stretching, or go for a swim if you think it will help bring you back into your body.
Pet an animal, matching your breath to theirs.
Sit up straight, plant your feet flat on the floor, and breathe deeply and slowly.
Try square breathing
In your head, draw a square as you breathe. In for four counts, hold for four counts, out for four counts, and then hold for four counts. The slow breathing will help slow your breath and heartrate, calming your body, while drawing the shape will help distract your brain. Repeat until you are feeling calmer.
Sniff a strong smell like peppermint or other essential oils.
Bite into a lemon or grapefruit—the sourness and strong sensation can help bring you back into the present moment.
Ask a friend or loved one to talk to you; having a normal conversation can be soothing.
Turn on loud music.
Use your hand or ask a friend or loved one to squeeze your arm tightly over and over. This can help bring you back into your body.
Self-Care
Other examples of self-care include:
Getting enough sleep
Eating enough nutritious food
Having enough down time
Setting healthy boundaries
Spending time with friends
Getting outside into nature
Doing an activity or hobby you enjoy
Creating nourishing rituals and routines
Moving in a way that feels good
Eating your favourite food
Spending time with pets
Therapy or counselling
Taking necessary medications
Writing in a journal
Exercising or other physical activity
Some people, especially people who spend a lot of time taking care of others, feel guilty about taking time that is just for them, but it is an integral part of healing and taking care of yourself.
After 12-18 months
Grief doesn't magically end after 6 months or a year. It does, however, at some point lose some of its intensity. After some time has passed and you have emerged from the initial shock and destabilization of loss (which may take months or years), you may find different challenges arising, as well as different needs and opportunities emerging.
Some people who have lost a loved one to drug-related harms find themselves wanting to learn everything there is to know about addiction, alcohol and other drugs, and drug policies. Some people take that education and apply it to advocacy, working to increase access to treatment, to change laws, or to support others who have lost someone to drug-related harms. There are many organizations that do advocacy to prevent drug-related harms. These include Moms Stop the Harm (www.momsstoptheharm.com), and From Grief to Action (www.fromgrieftoaction.com).
Although the day-to-day grief you're experiencing may feel less sharp and overwhelming, there are certain days that will be very difficult. These days include the anniversary of your loved one’s death, their birthday, and other meaningful days like holidays.
Planning for these days is important. A ritual of candles and family, a walk in nature, engaging with your faith practice, visiting a grave or other resting place can all help acknowledge the day in a meaningful way. Some people find these days very somber and difficult, while others want to celebrate the life of their loved one. This might look like going somewhere you know they loved, sharing your favourite memories, or going out for their favourite meal. There is no right way to spend these days, and it may take some time to figure out what feels best for you.
Some people find the holiday season especially difficult. There can be a lot of pressure to feel the "Christmas spirit" or "holiday cheer." It may feel like there is a lot of pressure to celebrate in the "right" way, especially if you don’t want to celebrate at all. It is up to you how, how much, and even if you celebrate at all. You may choose to skip the holidays this year, to have a quiet celebration, or to build a new tradition that honours the person you've lost.
Above all, it’s important to remember that there are no timelines for grief. Grieving is not a linear process, rather it's a messy process that can look wildly different from day to day and month to month.
